My LSS yesterday

Still shopping

No.  Not for clothes or shoes, iPhones, iPads or other gadgets.

I'm looking for the perfect combination of pain reliever that would relieve me of pain every day.

It's been more than a week and we've been trying what's the best combination and dosage.  But to nothing at this point.

I've had heplock placed on my left wrist but it went out the next day - yesterday.  This option will make me take three ampules of the pain reliever everyday.   I think it would have been the best solution.  But considering the cost of the ampules, I have to look for another.

This next other option will save  me from buying pain relievers frequently.  I hope this works.  After the first intake, I will have to test how much time before the pain comes back, so I'll know how much do I take within a day.

Right now, it's been eight hours past and the pain isn't back yet.  I might be going for ten or twelve hours.  After figuring out how much to take everyday, then, I will have to cope with the adjustment period of about two to three weeks, depending on how my body responds to it.  During this period, there will be a lot of 'sleep days' and groggy feeling.

I'd really be praying for more colder days for the next two to three weeks.

Pasalubong #60

When are we really brave?

"Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?" he heard his own voice saying, small and far away.


And his father's voice replied to him, "That is the only time a man can be brave."

~ A Game of Thrones
   George R.R. Martin

On Pain

"He looked at the pain, and he set himself apart from it. He saw it, examined it, identified it, corralled it. He isolated it. He challenged it. You against me? Dream on, pal. He built borders for it. Then walls. He built walls and forced the pain behind them and then he moved the walls inward, compressing the pain, crushing it, boxing it in, limiting it, beating it."

 ~ Lee Child
    Worth Dying For

How I wish it was just easy to believe this... much more do.

"But they know enough about modern medicine to know its limits."

Of course, doctors don’t want to die; they want to live. But they know enough about modern medicine to know its limits. And they know enough about death to know what all people fear most: dying in pain, and dying alone. They’ve talked about this with their families. They want to be sure, when the time comes, that no heroic measures will happen—that they will never experience, during their last moments on earth, someone breaking their ribs in an attempt to resuscitate them with CPR (that’s what happens if CPR is done right).

The rest of the article is here: How Doctors Die. It's Not Like The Rest of Us, But It Should Be. Written by Ken Murray, M.D., a Clinical Assistant Professor of Family Medicine at USC.

(This was initially sent to me through e-mail by my college best friends a few days ago. Today, I saw the link at Jessica Zafra's blog.)

Changing my Rx

My doctor-friend called the other day for our Tuesday coffee time.  But as with the past few days, I couldn't, because of my back pain.  She suggested that I switched to or add another pain reliever to help me through it but I couldn't give her a definite answer.  I told her we could talk about it on our Thursday coffee time.

I then shifted the chat to the book I am currently reading.  (I wrote on one of my posts here that I wanted to stop it since I couldn't get myself engaged to it, add the fact that I am not so much into knights and kingdoms.  But she suggested that I continue.  I did.  Not only because of her suggestion but because of what happened to the story.)  She hasn't read it but saw quite a few episodes on HBO.  She asked if I already knew what happened to one of the characters and I said no.  Since she didn't want to preempt the story for me, she left it hanging, making it one of the things to look forward to on our Thursday coffee time.

Then came Wednesday.  The hospice nurse was here for a visit and when she learned about my back pain, she also suggested that I get another pain reliever. She told me that more or less, this has the same side effect as with what I am taking right now, which is constipation.  She asked why I have fears in taking morphine because she remembered suggesting this medicine a few months ago.  I told her that I was afraid that if I take it for such a long time, I fear that it would lose its effect by the time I need a stronger one.  She told me that I need not fear about this because we only have to increase the dosage in the future.

Since these two people suggested the same, I was convinced.  The hospice nurse left me a few tablets; this is part of their palliative care and one of our privileges as a member of the hospice.  She said that I only have to ask my doctor for the dosage or Rx.  This is not a problem since I was going to see my friend the very next day.

I actually became excited with the thought of changing my pain reliever since I am looking forward to days spent away from bed.

Thursday came.  I was actually looking forward to this day because of my coffee time with my friend.  I learned about what happened with one of the characters and I was excited to talk about the story with her.  But it was around this time when the pain started to creep in.  I've taken my pain reliever during breakfast and I'm supposed to be 'covered' until before lunch.  I tried to tolerate it and see if I could at least until my next dose.  But when I couldn't anymore, I sent a message to my doctor-friend and ask if I could take the new medicine and how much should I take.  When I got the Rx, I asked her if I would be well enough for our coffee time later. But she answered, 'Not sure, Ate Che. :)'

Since I was forewarned of the effects, I took a bath and had an early lunch.  I fell asleep and was relieved of the pain.

I didn't make it for our coffee time.

But I felt a lot better the rest of the afternoon.  And I look forward to more better days like it now that my Rx has been changed.

Sharing a part of my email to a friend

At times, I wanted to write but didn't know what to write or how to write about these things.  But since this friend of mine triggers these things that I'm finding it hard to write about, let me share a part of my email to her:

Anyway, that bukol in my puwit is not so much of a bother... although sometimes it does. The worse thing that could happen with it is when the time comes that it will really close the chance of my pooping. THAT would be a major problem. If I come close to that, my doctor-friend knows that I will have to have that stoma. I told her that ayoko na ng operations. But she said there's no other way. So, I told her... Okay, let's just talk about it later.

What's bothering me so much these days is my back pain, which is due to that rayuma they detected back in 2009 after my operation. It stops me from doing things most of the time. The sad part is uupo na nga lang ako, nahihirapan pa ako, so I spend most of my days lying down. Just checking my mails, twitter and facebook proves to be tiring for my back. I have to do it within 30 minutes, lest the back pain starts.

Well, after reading and watching a lot about cancer, there will come a time that chemotherapy will not work. It's either you give up financially or your body will not anymore respond to the treatment. The people from the hospice knows that.

As for that discharge that we don't seem to know where it is coming from, I know there could be answers... but it will take a lot of tests like blood works and CT scan (and probably more) to be able to find out. And I am guessing that probably, when I finally have the answers, I would already be broke - due to the expenses incurred on these tests - when they tell me that this comes from this part and you will need to undergo through either radiation therapy or chemotherapy AGAIN. And that is answer enough for me. hehehehe..

Pasalubong #59

Hear those whispers

On conversations I have with relatives, friends and acquaintances, one of those frequently asked question was what are the symptoms that I felt or saw before I was even diagnosed with the disease.  I try to recall what they were but I couldn't really tell if they were symptoms.  I just tell them that this was how I felt and this was what I saw, but those do not necessarily mean that they were symptoms and that it holds true for every woman.

Until I saw this video.

Although I didn't have all, I've had most of these symptoms.  I want to share this so that you may know.